The Way That I Am
by slightlyxmarionette-esque
Summary: A drabble focusing on Remus and an Oc character of mine. It contains some suicidal thoughts and deals with the relationship between them. A kind of prequel to my other story, My Only Exsistence. Pairing::: RemusxOc. ONESHOT!


**A/N-** This came to me randomly and I felt like writing something. Just a short drabble with Remus and an Oc.

**Disclaimer: I do not own anything except my own Oc character and the plot. Everything else is J.K. Rowlings.**

**"The way that I am"**

One word was all that was spoken to her. One word-and that's all it took to crumble down her walls and destroy her life forever.

"Gone."

_Seems like just yesterday  
You were a part of me_

The medi-witch stared at her critically, as if she would break at this small piece of information. She had asked for it, after all. Maybe not physically, but her eyes told another story when she had glanced so forlorn at the old caregiver with the wrinkly lines around her face and her starched apron that fit the properness of the whole ward; it was all enough to make her physically sick.

_I used to stand so tall  
I used to be so strong_

On the outside, she was the picture of a perfect teenager. Shoulder length silver hair pulled back neatly into a low ponytail, warm purple eyes that seemed all too used, nails manicured with size 5 flip-flops on her equally well taken care of feet that matched her capri's and black rock & roll t-shirt to a tee, and her almost doll like application of make-up that made her appear much older than her sixteen years. But that was on the outside. On the inside that one word banged around inside of her mind, crashing into her deepest secrets that he had taken with him.

"Gone."

He had really vanished. After all of the threats, after all of the things they had been through, he had really left. She had visited him at the same degrading ward many times, and everything seemed to be going so well; but that was all on the outside. She knew deep down that he was tired of everything and that her broken promises where enough to make him break his.

Now I can't breathe  
No, I can't sleep  
I'm barely hanging on

She never noticed when the medi-witch with the "Mary" nametag left her alone standing there after one last backward glance in her direction as she was too busy staring numbly straight ahead as her blank eyes burned holes into the wall. Ice ran through her veins like fire and rooted her to that spot as if someone had glued her feet there. She knew she should get out of the way of the entrance to St. Mungo's, but it was just an idle blur that she vaguely recognized at the back of her mind.

_I told you everything  
Opened up and let you in  
You made me feel alright  
For once in my life_

She could already feel the pang of loneliness that settled heavily on her chest and refused to go away even when she wished it desperately would as she realized what this all meant. He had been hurt badly the last full moon, but it was nothing that the medics couldn't heal in a couple of days. He was all too used to the trip to this particular place. No, that wasn't what was different this time.

She gingerly touched the two horizontal claw marks that were still red but almost healed that stretched out across her arm. She had been foolish. So foolish. If only she could go back to that night…

"Gone."

She stumbled over her own two feet as someone pushed into her from behind.

"Sorry." A little boy of about five years smiled up at her apologetically before he ran to catch up with his mother who was a few yards ahead. She barely even reacted; it was like everything was happening to someone else.

The movement from the child seemed to have unglued her feet as she moved to the side slowly, as if moving through thick water. She settled for a spot on the wall as she slid to her sitting position with her knees drawn up to her face as a wisp of hair came loose of her ponytail and curled around her face. Things hadn't been great even before that night; the night that everything had come raining down and he had told her that she deserved someone better than him-someone who couldn't hurt her like he did. She had tried to tell him that it hadn't been his fault, but of course that didn't make it any better.

"Gone."

No more looking into his comforting honey eyes that sparkled with so much life when he spoke; no more seeing the smile that played on his lips with amusement and untold secrets; no more hearing about the crazy antics that he got into at Hogwarts; no more smelling the scent that was wholly him and having it wash over her like an innocent whiff of another life…no more Remus.

There would be no more times when she felt his comforting arms around her shoulders when she had made a mistake, no more times when they both laughed together until tears filled their eyes, no more times when she would have to help him make it back to his house after a full moon….no more.

"Gone."

She had only lived this much because of him; he had saved her from herself and made her see that there are reasons to live and that she shouldn't throw her chance away. He had looked past what he saw on the outside and looked deeper to see the pain that she had so much of on the inside; and he had taken most of it away. Now that he was gone, who would she live for now? Who did she have left? Would she be able to make it on her own after knowing that everything that had made her happy and been her world had walked out of those same hospital doors?

_Now all that's left of me  
Is what I pretend to be  
So together, but so broken up inside_

She shuddered as the unseen wind chilled her; a single tear leaked out from between her lids and made her eyelashes stick together. It was a solitary teardrop that was not meant to be followed by others-it held the frustration and anger of being alone in such a harbored place. She couldn't remember when she had last cried, but this did not count- that tear was as out of place and friendless as she was. It comforted her to know that as she tasted the saline and bitterness on her cracked lips. The taste that was anything but innocent. Just like her.

What I really meant to say  
Is I'm sorry for the way I am

She had done bad things in her past, and when Remus had found her laying in the woods bleeding out by her own hand, she had been an angry and hopeless human being; or so she had thought. She hadn't thought that she could love anyone because she had been so abused and broken in her short life. Yet slowly she was able to let him in, and once he was she couldn't get him out. She had fallen in love with him. She was still in love with him. He had saved her, but she couldn't do the same. How could he say that he would only hurt her by being around when she felt this wrong with him being gone?

"Gone."

Maybe it was her fate to end up this way; she still kept the blade in her pocket that she had used on herself that first night as a reminder that she could beat the odds. She pulled it out slowly, not caring who saw because the whole space that everyone else occupied was as silent to her as a night time graveyard. It wasn't the silence of silence; it was her own silence. She examined every inch of it, turning it over in her shaking hands; it was exactly the same as she remembered it. Thoughts raced into her head from that night; and many more nights afterward. How he had looked after her with such care and how he had showed her his own scars along his arm; some of them were fresh. They needed to live for each other, he had said. Live. He said nothing about staying.

"Gone."

She threw the blade across the busy ward as it hit the wall and slid under the crack of a closet door. She wrapped her arms around her knees and buried her face into them. How could she be so naïve? Yes, he wasn't there anymore, but she still was. She was still alive when she wouldn't have been if not for him; and wasn't that something? It was going to be hard, knowing that he was out there and that he was wrong about thinking that he would only hurt her; he had given her so much more than that. But he had his own demons to face, and he needed to find that out on his own.

He had given her the chance to change, to live. She was going to keep her promise to him as the last of them that they had made; one that she would never break. She would live. For him, for herself. She could only hope that he would help someone else as he fought through this life and maybe he would think of her and remember that he did a great thing. A great thing that somehow redeemed himself in a silver haired girls eyes.

As she unglued her feet from the tile floor, she walked out into the softly falling raindrops as the sound returned back to her world. The sirens of cabs, the busy hum and talk of the people around her, and the gentle pitter patter of the rain followed in her wake as she walked away from the last place they had ever been together. She vanished around the corner, and just like that, she was…gone._No, I don't cry on the outside  
Anymore..._

_A/N-_**If you liked, review! I got this bit "It wasn't the silence of silence. It was her own silence."from The Bell Jar by Slyvia Plath. **Great book if you ever get a chance to read it. Thanks for reading!


End file.
